No one wants to go to the hospital. Let alone go for anything related to mental illness. I was the same. Thankfully, I have people who were able to make sure I was taken care of. However, I made plenty of mistakes along the way.
Where I Went Wrong
My first mistake was resisting the help when I was admitted. I do believe I should have stayed. It would have allowed me some time for myself, some inward reflection, and some time to focus only on my mental health. My obligations blinded me and I didn’t focus on taking care of myself first.
I’m stubborn, It’s in my blood. The downside is I am also driven by anxiety that everything I have worked hard for could come crashing down at any second. That drives me to push myself further than I should sometimes.
The only thing I was worried about. as you could see, was getting out of there. Everything I did had that end goal in mind, and that only. I played the game just long enough to get what I was looking for. Bad choice. Although at the end of it I was safe, it easily could have gotten worse.
The most important thing is we learned a lot from “that day” and knew what to do the next time this happened. Next time… Unfortunately with mental illness, there usually is a next time.
It was June 15th and I wasn’t feeling well. I mentioned to my father that I was feeling a lot like I did when I had to go to the hospital. I mentioned to my boss that I wasn’t feeling well either. My father told me to go home, and my boss gave me the option. I didn’t want to. I was in my “I just want to sleep” mode again, which is a clear sign that things are going south. My father reminded me that I wasn’t in a space to make logical decisions. He was right, but I was standing my ground. Eventually, he realized that I wasn’t going to go along with the program. He talked with my boss and I had no choice. It was time to leave.
I grabbed my things and apologized to my coworkers. Then, I went to my parent’s house and slept on the couch for the rest of the morning and afternoon.
The remainder of the week continued on a lot like that, I only managed to work one full day that week. That was Thursday. Thursday, I was feeling a lot better, but fearful that I would start moving backward again. I arranged to take Friday off as well so that I could hopefully keep the momentum moving forward. It worked. By the following week, I was feeling much better.
I’m still a work in progress. No one wants to be the one that can’t function due to mental illness. We are working on identifying the signs and symptoms that appear when I’m starting to experience issues. Hopefully, we can continue to avoid a repeat of “that day”.
It is a never-ending battle, but one that is worth fighting. You can get better! When the opportunity arises to get help, be sure to take it. No matter how scary it is. Mistakes will be made, but just keep pushing through.
In case you missed it, I’ve included the links for “That Day” below.