If I am being completely honest, I always imagined myself spending life alone. My biological family is a mess, and I married/divorced a person that I should not have married, to begin with.
I figured that I would live my life, and have a miserable existence. That was something I had accepted.
God had different plans.
About two years ago I began a friendship with someone I work with. It was just chatting about video games, even playing video games together, and occasionally cracking jokes about my mental illness. Telling stories about the random stuff anxiety makes you do, like the time I got stuck in a library (yep, that totally happened) courtesy of a brief moment of overconfidence and followed up immediately with crippling anxiety.
We grew closer over time, a few months after our friendship began and me starting to show an interest in faith again, he sent me a link one night in hopes that I would live stream the service. I did.
Part of my anxiety, probably like many of you, is that I struggle with new situations and new places. So the link was sent so I would “know what to expect”. A short time later, I agreed to go to service but was aware that with it being a massive building, I wouldn’t be able to walk in by myself. He was understanding so we met in the parking lot.
I stopped on my way there to grab dinner. There I was stress eating chicken strips in the church parking lot before he showed up. We walked in together (it might have taken a little coaxing to convince me to go inside).
We went in, and holy smokes was it overwhelming. I stuck to him like glue!
Obviously, it wasn’t that bad. It’s been a year and a half later and I’m still going.
As I grew closer to my friend and their spouse, the relationships started to bloom. I was invited over for a game night. New place and familiar people, so I was slightly anxious. I ended up enjoying myself that night.
Since then, there have been many movie nights, shopping trips, birthday celebrations, and much more.
My biological parents aren’t the best, as mentioned previously. However, I have found my true parents.
All of these things matter, but there’s one part of this that makes it all so much more important. It’s their love for me, and my love for them.
I am accepted for who I am.
I am allowed to be open and honest about how I’m feeling. I don’t have to hide during the bad days and its understood that sometimes the bad and the good can come all in the same day. I don’t have the fear that I will be accused of ‘faking’ how I’m feeling because I feel bad one minute and seem overly happy the next (thank you BPD)
I can go to them for help. Even in the worst of times, they have never left my side. Including taking me to the hospital because of a breakdown and not leaving my side until they transferred me from the emergency room. They have let me sleep at their house when I’m aware that I don’t feel the best and dealing with a depressive episode.
I am reminded every night how blessed, loved, and anointed I am.
The real purpose here is to share and remind everyone, DONT GIVE UP! The support system and the people you are hoping will be in your life will come. I never expected that this would be my life now.
Things aren’t perfect by any means, but I am healing, and I am so thankful for the support system I have now and the family I didn’t even know I had, both to cheer me on in the small successes and to help hold me up on the bad days.
I am learning what a healthy family looks like, and what loving parents are. It is very overwhelming at times. As I become more of a part of their family, the fear of abandonment creeps up, the feelings that I’m imposing also joins the party. We are learning to deal with those.