Not too long ago, the darkness crept in on me. There was nothing I could do to fight it, no matter what I did. My only option was to fight through it and hope that the light wasn’t too far off.
I remember it started on the Tuesday following Father’s Day. I was supposed to go to lunch with my dad, something I was looking forward to. Things didn’t quite turn out how I had imagined, so I spent the entire lunch wishing it was over. I even took the shameless “I need to use the restroom” trick to get a few minutes away. I tell you, if it had been a blind date, I would have left. More on that in another post.
After the lunch, I had my counseling appointment. That’s when my frustrations and the fact that I was up against something bigger than myself became painfully apparent.
Over the next week, it was a struggle to get anything done. That Friday, I called in sick to work, and spent the entire day rotating between my couch and the bed. Blinds drawn so my home was as dark as possible. You know, the typical depressive scene.
I spent a lot of that time angry that I was alive, wondering when it would go away, and just wondering how long I had left of this terrible episode.
I had the support of a few friends, mostly friends that I would make comments to like: “I wish this would go away”, “I hate this”, etc. Nothing too specific, nothing that really encompassed my actual pain that I was experiencing. None-the-less, I knew that they were there for me.
The difference between this episode and others in the past, is that I had people there for me. I have a wonderful counselor whom I have been seeing on a weekly basis for about 7 months now, coworkers who have become personal friends, and others that I could reach out to and let know that I was struggling.
I never realized how much value there was in having people like that around. I didn’t realize that even though they may not know how to help you, they will still be there for whatever you need at the time. They’re the ones that you can still hold a normal conversation with and don’t treat you like you’re broken, even though you feel more broken than anything in the world at that moment in time.
I’m so thankful that the darkness doesn’t come to visit me very often, i’m not as skilled in dealing with it as I am my anxiety.
How do you deal with the darkness when it comes to visit?