by | Aug 27, 2014 | Blog Posts | 0 comments


Most people who know me, don’t really know me. That is my fault. I am aware of this. Very few people actually ever get to see the real me.

If you walked up to someone who thinks they know me, and you told them I was funny, enjoyed making people laugh, was social, and outgoing; most would think you’re as crazy as they probably think I am by now.

I don’t know why I can’t just let people see me. Well, I do know why. 
I’m afraid.

Afraid that if I show people what I’m capable of, they might depend on me and I will let them down.

Afraid that I will lose people.

Afraid that I will make a fool of myself.

I’m afraid of many things that come with that.

There’s also the general things in life that I’m afraid of that keep me from moving forward because I spend so much time worrying about them.

My biggest fear in the world is:
Being like my mother.

Lately I have really been struggling with this. I’ve picked up her habits in the past. I have begun to notice things that she does, that I’m starting to do. Due to fear of embarrassment and losing people, I allow myself to continue to do it and stay silent.

I am afraid that if I have a child, he/she will suffer from a mental illness as well.  I don’t want my children to struggle like I do. On the other side of that. I fear that I will never have a happy family. Okay, maybe this is my biggest fear, judging by the tears.

I fear that I will always be worthless in many people’s eyes. Not because I’m stupid or incapable but because I struggle.

I fear that my constant search for peace and happiness will continue to push people away. So I am beginning to turn inward and deal with things myself.

I fear that dealing with things myself will become too much to handle.

I fear that weakest moment when I have not one soul to turn to.

I fear that I will never be heard.

I fear that I will never be happy.

I fear that it’s too late, and I’ll always be broken.

Lastly, I WISH that I could just be open with people and not be fearful of another person walking away from me.

I know what is going on with me, I’m just too afraid to say anything to anyone about it.

I want so many things, but most of all, I want to be able to answer someone when they ask me what’s wrong.


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