Fears

by | Aug 27, 2014 | Blog Posts | 0 comments

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Most people who know me, don’t really know me. That is my fault. I am aware of this. Very few people actually ever get to see the real me.

If you walked up to someone who thinks they know me, and you told them I was funny, enjoyed making people laugh, was social, and outgoing; most would think you’re as crazy as they probably think I am by now.

I don’t know why I can’t just let people see me. Well, I do know why. 
I’m afraid.

Afraid that if I show people what I’m capable of, they might depend on me and I will let them down.

Afraid that I will lose people.

Afraid that I will make a fool of myself.

I’m afraid of many things that come with that.
——————–

There’s also the general things in life that I’m afraid of that keep me from moving forward because I spend so much time worrying about them.

My biggest fear in the world is:
Being like my mother.

Lately I have really been struggling with this. I’ve picked up her habits in the past. I have begun to notice things that she does, that I’m starting to do. Due to fear of embarrassment and losing people, I allow myself to continue to do it and stay silent.

I am afraid that if I have a child, he/she will suffer from a mental illness as well.  I don’t want my children to struggle like I do. On the other side of that. I fear that I will never have a happy family. Okay, maybe this is my biggest fear, judging by the tears.

I fear that I will always be worthless in many people’s eyes. Not because I’m stupid or incapable but because I struggle.

I fear that my constant search for peace and happiness will continue to push people away. So I am beginning to turn inward and deal with things myself.

I fear that dealing with things myself will become too much to handle.

I fear that weakest moment when I have not one soul to turn to.

I fear that I will never be heard.

I fear that I will never be happy.

I fear that it’s too late, and I’ll always be broken.

Lastly, I WISH that I could just be open with people and not be fearful of another person walking away from me.

I know what is going on with me, I’m just too afraid to say anything to anyone about it.

I want so many things, but most of all, I want to be able to answer someone when they ask me what’s wrong.

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