Most people who know me, don’t really know me. That is my fault. I am aware of this. Very few people actually ever get to see the real me.
If you walked up to someone who thinks they know me, and you told them I was funny, enjoyed making people laugh, was social, and outgoing; most would think you’re as crazy as they probably think I am by now.
I don’t know why I can’t just let people see me. Well, I do know why.
Afraid that if I show people what I’m capable of, they might depend on me and I will let them down.
Afraid that I will lose people.
Afraid that I will make a fool of myself.
I’m afraid of many things that come with that.
There’s also the general things in life that I’m afraid of that keep me from moving forward because I spend so much time worrying about them.
My biggest fear in the world is:
Being like my mother.
Lately I have really been struggling with this. I’ve picked up her habits in the past. I have begun to notice things that she does, that I’m starting to do. Due to fear of embarrassment and losing people, I allow myself to continue to do it and stay silent.
I am afraid that if I have a child, he/she will suffer from a mental illness as well. I don’t want my children to struggle like I do. On the other side of that. I fear that I will never have a happy family. Okay, maybe this is my biggest fear, judging by the tears.
I fear that I will always be worthless in many people’s eyes. Not because I’m stupid or incapable but because I struggle.
I fear that my constant search for peace and happiness will continue to push people away. So I am beginning to turn inward and deal with things myself.
I fear that dealing with things myself will become too much to handle.
I fear that weakest moment when I have not one soul to turn to.
I fear that I will never be heard.
I fear that I will never be happy.
I fear that it’s too late, and I’ll always be broken.
Lastly, I WISH that I could just be open with people and not be fearful of another person walking away from me.
I know what is going on with me, I’m just too afraid to say anything to anyone about it.
I want so many things, but most of all, I want to be able to answer someone when they ask me what’s wrong.